I’ve been single for more than 20 years now. I got divorced when I was 34 with three daughters to take care of. It’s not that I never dated anyone or thought about getting remarried, but my youngest one was still in her early teens, which was a very difficult age, and I always had to think twice.
As a matter of fact, I still regret what I did to my daughters as a mother.
When I was about to be 40, I began to have a relationship with a 13-year-older guy. He’s actually a father of my youngest daughter’s classmate’s.
He was nice to me. He would listen to me carefully and helped me in many ways. Although he could be a bit eccentric sometimes, I was able to enjoy being with him. He let me experience lots of things I’d never have had with normal guys otherwise. He and I would go to many places together and both of our kids would also come with us until my youngest became old enough to feel a bit hesitant to do so. I thought we were getting along pretty well, and I even assumed that we were getting married some time. He was feeling the same way. I was pretty sure that he could be my best partner because he took care of my daughters for me, and I his son for him. Life with him seemed to be going smoothly and peacefully.
However, things didn’t go that easily actually.
It turned out that my youngest was very sad about me loving someone else. After all, she was still a young child who needed her mother’s love. I later found out that my second one who was in junior high then also had mixed feelings about it. In addition, the man gradually started showing his hidden personality which might be attributable to his own upbringing. He was brought up in a foster home, and didn’t know how to raise his son. He didn’t seem to know how to love him, either. I could’ve been the one who would support him and his son mentally, but he had some other problems which caused us to break up. I felt sorry about myself choosing such an immature and irrational guy, and giving my daughters a hard time.
Ever since then I decided to stay single until my kids have grown up. To tell the truth, someone advised me, just after my divorce, not to try to have a relationship with anyone while my kids were still small. At that time, however, I was too naïve and self-centered to follow that. I was still young and full of life. All I think about was to make myself happy. Then I thought my children should be happy, too. In retrospect, I think I should’ve known better and been a more caring mother.
Having said that, though, falling in love with someone is inevitable, and I still don’t give up finding my true love.
※ This essay was originally written in May, 2018 for my essay course. Future modifications can be added later.
ako's English Diary 