I Have Bipolar Disorder

About a year ago, I found out that I have bipolar disorder. The symptom has made me vulnerable for as long as I can remember. My mood swings a lot, but I can’t control it. I feel extremely happy from time to time, but it is short-lived. After a while, something which makes me feel depressed for some unknown reasons happens, and it seems to ruin everything. Once what looks the most exciting and encouraging turns to the most miserable and discouraging the next moment. I feel these two extreme moments in such a short span of time, and it makes me feel as if I was experiencing lives of two completely different people.

My recent depression set in about three weeks ago. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t even realize it was starting. Until then, for about two months, I was doing alright. I assumed that was thanks to my counseling sessions that I’d had a little earlier where I was able to learn more about myself, and how I could avoid troubles that could arise. Getting those new insights made me feel more positive, and want to start English lessons. Since I’d tried similar things numerous times in vain, I was determined that this was going to be my last. The first two months was OK. I was more enthusiastic than I expected. I was full of energy and hope. It was merely fun to get to know new teachers and talk with them. Communicating with them made me feel as if we were friends. I was pretty sure that I was becoming an “internationally-minded” person, and that I finally found something that was going to change my life.

On the other hand, I’m pretty surprised that such baseless confidence could easily collapse due to even a trivial incident. I believe the main culprit which caused me to feel depressed this time was this job interview and a meet-up event I had after the interview on the same day.

During the interview, I tried hard to make myself heard only to find out that the interviewers were not as interested in me as I’d expected. Besides, my future job turned out to be a bit dubious.

At the meet-up event right after the interview, I couldn’t find a place to fit in.

I tried to be as cheerful as possible, but being in a busy place like that made me feel as if I was fish out of water. I wondered what communicating with people in English should mean.

My counselor said that I’m a type of person who is eager to stand out sometimes, but easily gets exhausted, and tries to withdraw. Considering this, I’m sure that this depression is very typical of me. Simply put, my activities for the last two months depleted my energy, and now I need a place to hide or “hibernate.”

※ This essay was originally written in 2018, but it hasn’t been finished, yet. I’ll add the rest of the story some other time. Please keep watching!